Does your company’s culture support working parents?

“Bring your best self to work.” We hear this one all the time.

I can tell you the group who is often NOT bringing their best selves to work… working moms. Dads, too! Too often.

I recently saw a good friend for lunch….She reminded me of her work experiences over the past few years with different employers.

One manager she worked with for 10 years and helped build his company. Once she got pregnant and was no longer willing to work a zillion hours and wanted to be a present mom, she was told: ‘I want the old you back. Where is she?’

(“Um, she’s gone. This is the new me.”)

More recently, another woman who works 70+ hour weeks didn’t understand why my friend needed to be at home.

(“Kids are sick. Weren’t you ok with me being at home during the worst of Covid?”)

My friend is a loyal, dedicated employee.

Folks, I think it’s great that people want to work hard but stop asking parents to go back to a pre-children version of themselves that is in conflict with who they are in the present.

The companies, leaders and people who will succeed in the future are the ones who operate with empathy, support and flexibility.

Only then can we say that we allow folks to “bring their best selves to work.”

Because, ask any parent…They will tell you - the best parts of us are our children.

So, how can you now if your company support’s working parents. Here are five things I’d point out:

Your Manager and those in other key leadership roles have a life outside of work that involves service to others. They are coaching their kids baseball team or volunteering in the PTA. They are involved at church or in the local community. Your manager has a life outside of work that matters to them. They talk about it as a priority and a commitment that is important to them. They make time for it.

People ask, in an honestly curious way about your family and your kids. They want to know you. They want to understand your children’s lives and interests. They want to understand your challenges. Your boss is interested because maybe there is some way that he or she can help you. For example, need to leave early to get child to soccer practice.

The company culture doesn’t reward or encourage behaviors that lead to burnout. It is not the norm or the expectation that people should be working 60-70 hour work weeks. On the contrary, leaders will deliberately put strategies in place where this kind of situation does not exist. They will create more reasonable expectations and set more realistic priorities of work to get done because they are concerned about what they are putting on their teams and how that effects them.

People are encouraged to take advantage of the benefits and perks that their company offers. Often times, companies will have many perks and options available to them that are in the benefits plan on the intraweb, but no one knows about them and no one promotes them. Maybe it’s because it’s sort of a passive thing. (“We’ll have them here but if we promote them, what might that do to our environment if too many people start to use them?”) Instead, they are actively promoted and embraced

Managers on their own make up for any inadequacy from the company. They say things like, “I don’t get that policy. Let me see what we can do to change that”, or, “That isn’t going to work in your situation, it sounds like. Let’s do it this way instead”. When needed, they will escalate things to their managers or HR to see if there is an alternative path that can be taken.

So, if you are interviewing for a job and need to understand how the company’s culture will impact you, or, if you are part of a great company culture for parents and want to remind yourself what makes the difference, consider these things.

The Great Divorce: Moving On Emotionally When You’ve Been Laid Off

Divorce is a tough thing to go through. For some people, the emotional toll of breaking up with a company or a job can be nearly as devastating as a break up with a spouse or other close relationship.

I have coached several clients over the past couple of months who are experiencing this very challenge. They have been laid off, downsized, or otherwise let go. It can be hard for folks experiencing this for a few reasons:

·         You didn’t choose it – People by nature like to be in control of their destinies. Perhaps your company blind-sided you. You felt as those that rug was swept right out from under you. If you had it your way, you would have coasted along in that job or at that company until retirement.

·         You loved the company – You wore the branded swag, you were proud to say you worked there, you were happy to be a part of the events, the culture. You were the company and the company was you. Until it wasn’t, so unexpectedly.

·         You grew up there – Your career growth and success is tied directly to this place where you invested 10, 15, 20 or more years. Your milestones and career advancement all occurred there.

·         Your friends and colleagues are still there – But they aren’t calling anymore. They’re there and you’re not. Like a real divorce, those shared friends and contacts aren’t on “your side” anymore. Will they still want to help you?

 How do you move on, emotionally, given these challenges? It isn’t always easy. Here are my recommendations for moving on after this tough breakup.

·         Objectively assess the company – Remove the rose-colored glasses. Spend some time contemplating the good, the bad and the ugly about the organization and the people - even those that you respected. Beginning to see each person, individually, and the company as a whole, as imperfect (perhaps great in many ways, but flawed too), is a good step. The folks you’ve put on a pedestal are human just like you are. Companies are made up of people. It is not possible that the company is without flaws.

·         Objectively assess yourself – When you tie your identity to closely to an organization and this break-up occurs, it is natural to question your own value, contributions and successes. You ask yourself quietly, “who am I if I’m not an employee there anymore?” I have news for you: You are valuable in your own right, because of your talents and contributions. Not because you worked there. Lean into identifying your talents, skills and abilities that are yours alone.

·         Spend time with your Fan Club – To help you in identifying those talents, skills and abilities, figure out who “has your back” and will support you as you move forward. This may be former employees of your former employer who left years before you did. It may be people who you partnered with in some way who remember your skills. The key is to find the genuine, actually supportive people. Find them and invest in creating and deepening those relationships.

·         Avoid the energy vampires – As you’re finding those who will support and encourage you in your next steps, without question you’ll also find those who will not. Once you know someone isn’t supportive or helpful, make a mental note and avoid seeking their counsel or support. Perhaps that relationship is one for later, once you’re feeling fully yourself again. Perhaps you can help them in some way. But not now, given this challenge you’re in.

Like a real break up, the emotional toll of being divorced from a job you love is tough. To get back on your feet and your best self as quickly as possible, follow these steps.

If I can help you in your journey, please reach out to me. I’d love to be a part of your Fan Club, supporting you and encouraging you toward your next chapter. 😊

It Starts With You

“Faith. Family. Friendship”. It is a happy sign in many people’s homes and a positive sentiment. Many who study happiness would tell you that this isn’t just a happy slogan, but these things are absolutely correlated with happiness, living a long life and being mentally well. The research is clear that strong family and friendship ties are highly related elements, as is having some religious practice that guides your life.

If these are an ideal to pursue and they are tied to happiness and life satisfaction, it should concern us that these things are becoming less and less important to Americans as time passes. According to a recent study by the Wall Street Journal / NORC, religion, patriotism, having children and being involved in ones community have fallen off a cliff, relative to where they were only 25 years ago.

Some 39% said religion was very important and 38% said patriotism was very important to them. That was down sharply from when the Journal first asked the question in 1998, when 62% deemed religion to be very important, and 70% said so of patriotism.

In regards to the idea of having children and being involved in your community – these have also fallen off the cliff. 30% of people view having children as important, compared to 59% in 1998. 27% of people believe community involvement is important, compared to 47% in 1998.

Tolerance toward others that are different than you is currently at 58%. If the opposite of tolerance is intolerance, is it fair to say that 42% believe in that? Seems concerning, doesn’t it? – a society where 4 out of 10 folks believe in NOT tolerating their neighbors.

The one thing that was on the rise in the study? Money. Money is valued more highly than in 1998 (31% then compared to 43% now). Our priorities are out of wack.

If we know what leads to happiness and life satisfaction, and we see those elements in such decline, should we be shocked by the state of our mental health, depression and substance abuse in our country. Probably not.

These numbers may bother you. They bother me. It is very easy to become discouraged by them, and to lean into an attitude of negativity about what this means for the future. BUT, there is an answer…

I am not in a position to affect these national trends very much. And neither are you.

My sphere of influence, and yours, extends to a circle of people that is relatively small in the grand scheme of things.

What I am able to affect is myself. My influence and my control begins with me – my attitude, my decisions and my behavior. It extends to my family and friends and then outward from there.

How much of a difference has it made for you, when one person has shown you kindness in your community in the past few years? It makes a big difference because it is becoming less and less the norm.

When someone smiles in a public place and offers a genuine show of compassion – how has that affected you?  For me, it has had an impact. It stands out. It is noticeable.

It is very easy to focus on macro issues like those reflected in this study. The fact is that a strong society is built in many micro interactions. Me to you and you to me. You to your neighbor next door. Me to the lady at the grocery store. You to the teacher at your child’s school.

If each one of us, independently, made a real effort to reverse these trends in our own lives (or to strengthen them), the impact of our actions would matter. If we influenced others in a similar way, the impact of their actions would matter also. Soon, you’d have a ripple effect and a deepening of communal ties that have frayed. You’d have increasing bonds and relationships, more happiness, more meaning.

Isn’t that a positive? More positive than bemoaning these results?

I encourage you – let change start with you, where you are. If the news of the day, or these alarming trends bother you, let that be a catalyst to action.

Spend more time with loved ones. Go back to your house of worship. Volunteer in your community. Show love to your elderly neighbors. Help a single mother. Show gratitude and support to the first responders in your community.

The list of things we can do to create change is long. It starts with each one of us.

What is your superpower?

What is your superpower at work and in life? What is that thing that you are drawn to, that you love and that you have a natural, this-comes-easy-to-me, ability in?

I’m not talking about a job or a profession that you are good at. However, your superpower may make a job easier for you. They could be highly connected and related things.

What I’m talking about is an action, an activity, a skill that you have had for as long as you can remember.

I’ll give you some clues about mine. See if you can guess what my superpower is…

·       Clue #1 - The professions that I considered pursuing earlier in life that I never pursued include investigative journalism and law.

·       Clue #2 - I have a fascination with true crime and legal cases. Getting to the facts. Solving the case.

·       Clue #3 - My favorite projects and jobs when in banking were those requiring a business case. Anything where a point of view or perspective was required along with a sound recommendation.

·       Clue #4 – I have little tolerance for poor arguments, poor logic, lazy analysis

Think you might have a guess on my superpower…

Asking Questions, Curiosity, Digging until the “truth” or the facts are known, Finding the answer. This is my superpower. All my life it’s been there, showing up in different ways. It is now no surprise to me that I decided to pursue coaching as a profession. Coaching is a pursuit of what is in the coachees mind - their limiting beliefs, their mindset. Done well, it requires amazing question asking. I love it!

What is your superpower?

Do you know?

If you don’t know, here are a few questions to ask yourself to find out:

·       What do people seek your advice on? What are the things you are known for?

·       What other careers or professions excite you?

·       What kind of work-related task doesn’t feel like work at all? Instead, you get lost in it?

·       Is there a common thread or theme across these answers?

Understanding your superpower is important. It helps you know what work is meant for you and what is not. It helps to identify related careers or options that you may have never considered but that may be an excellent fit.

Spend a few minutes identifying or contemplating your superpower. Then ask yourself if you are using it as much as you should be. Find opportunities to use it more. We are never better in our performance than when we are using our God-given talents and abilities. Find and use yours!

Mothers Who Work (and why they’re my mission!)

The term “working mothers” is a relic of the past. It was likely coined in the 1970s as shorthand to talk about the woman who has left her home and is in the “work world”. (I picture that 80s movie ‘Nine to Five’ as I write this.) The term was meant to refer to what was, at that time, more of an anomaly and not the norm. Fifty years ago, less than half of moms worked outside of the home.

Things are different now but our language has not changed. We still use the term as though it’s that anomaly of the past. Today, 81% of women with school aged children work full time. Most mothers are “working mothers”. What was the “exception” 50 years ago is the rule today. Women now out-represent their male counterparts in the workforce.

Not only has our language not changed. Our support of mothers as a society drastically needs an overhaul as well - an overhaul in support of Mothers Who Work. The distinction is important - leading with “mother”, knowing that she sees herself as a mother, first, before she sees herself as a worker, or an employee.

I believe that motherhood and families are paramount to a thriving and a successful society (who else could be more important?). If that is true, then what support does the mother who works receive? And where does she receive it from? This is the question we need to answer.

Fifty years ago, the support systems that existed to support motherhood - both those moms who worked and those who did not - was vast. Families were more tightly knit. More of those families had close connections to other families through church, in the community, at the playground, at the local library. Mothers were in community with other mothers, surrounded by their kids.

Today, mothers go to work and they come home (sometimes they work from home, leaving them feeling isolated, at times). They are stressed, burnt out and overwhelmed. Any sense of community outside of work is rare, rushed or nonexistent. Facebook and Instagram are their (not-so-supportive) support systems. Their children are stressed and overwhelmed as well. Today, the rates of depression, suicidal thoughts and addiction to screens among children is well known and prominent. Something is broken.

Most organizations that are focused on supporting their working mothers are interested in supporting the working part, sometimes exclusively. Advancing careers, promoting women to higher roles, paying women more money. These are all very noble goals for each individual mother! I am incredibly thankful that as a mother I was able to advance my career, make more money, get promoted - all after having children. I am thankful for the managers and leaders that supported me and advocated for me!

However, the content and programming that organizations provide for their working mothers, generally, does not acknowledge or honor the mother part. You may argue that it shouldn’t - companies exist to make a profit, advance their business goals and promote their chosen causes. Ok, fine, I get it. But where are those burnt out, stressed out, overwhelmed women left then? The 81% who spend a crazy amount of their lives at work. The ones living in 2023, not in 1983 or 1973? Obviously, there is a gap to fill.

We desperately need more support, more programming and more acknowledgement of Mothers Who Work. From a variety of sources. It’s my most important mission, outside of being a mother myself - to support as many Mothers Who Work as I can, to enable their success, in themselves and at home, first. Confident in the belief that these amazing and supported Mothers Who Work make amazing workers too! and, Amazing Leaders! (They do! I know many.)

Will you join me on my mission to support Mothers who Work? :) Changing your language is the first step, followed quickly by supporting “the mother”.

If you’re a mom who identifies with what I’m saying and needs support (or if you know one!), learn more about my program supporting Mothers Who Work. It launches on April 17th. I’d love to have you!

Essential Habits - For Life!

Habits are something everyone is talking about. Your doctor, your boss, your spouse, the lady at the gym, your child’s teacher. Everyone has something to say about creating good habits – why they are important and which ones you should have. The list of potential habits is long. Honestly, if you listed the amount of things that an expert says you should have a habit around, you’d quickly be overwhelmed.

I will join the “habit” party in todays blog!. However, I’m going to share with you only the four habits that I have committed to for life. The ones that matter to me most and that make the biggest difference to me. There are other things I care about, but they aren’t on this “for life” list. (for example: you won’t see me giving up pizza or sweets or other such things I’d find torturous. I also acknowledge I have a slight attachment to my iPhone which I’m always looking to improve on. I’m not there yet!)

There are a handful of things I prioritize in my life that are essential to my happiness, my routine and the life I’m looking to create:

1.       Exercise – You didn’t think that this wouldn’t be on the list, did you? It simply has to be on the list! If you do any research on the science of happiness, living a long life, having energy, alleviating stress and any other number of positive outcomes, regular exercise is always on the list. It is often the #1 factor! I found a love for spin cycling about 6 years ago after being a life-long “non-exerciser” or inconsistent at it, at best. I didn’t enjoy exercise. I avoided it. I would describe myself as “not an athlete”. Now, I’m up at the ungodly hour of 4:45 am several days a week and I absolutely love it.

The key with exercise is to find something that you enjoy and that you’ll miss if you don’t do it. If you hate running, don’t pick running because you think you should. Pick something you enjoy or want to improve at.

2.       Spiritual Practice and Reflection – We have to have moments daily where we pause, reflect, talk to God, meditate and are still. Being constantly on the move, hustling, checking things off of a list, scrolling endlessly through our phones – these behaviors are everywhere and are often the source of much of our stress and frustration. Without moments of calm, peace and self-reflection, we are at a huge disadvantage. I make time daily now for at least 15-20 minutes a day where I can focus on my “inner life”. It is only in these quiets moments that the “still small voice” can direct your thoughts or give you the clarity you need. It also sets the stage for incorporating moments of pausing and reflection throughout the rest of the day.

 3.       Restful Sleep – I love sleeping. As a mom of 3, it has not always been easy to get the sleep I need, but it has always been a priority to try. My husband will tell you that I am not the nicest person if I haven’t had enough sleep. You may be the same! I do my best to get to bed at a reasonable time most nights. I also purchased this clock awhile back. It’s amazing – Sleep meditations, calming alarms sounds and lights, integrated with your phone. So tranquil! Like exercise, sleep is something that is critical in so many areas of life – if you aren’t getting enough of it, stress will increase, often exercise and healthy eating are more challenging.

 4.       Coaching / Community – You absolutely need people around you who want to help you succeed at your goals. People that you can trust and that you know have your best interest in mind. People who will hold you accountable. People who are also looking to improve in their personal and professional lives. I have hired coaches in the past for my business and my life and am now part of a business mastermind group. These have been absolutely key in helping me reach my goals!! I encourage you to find some sort of support for your goals. If coaching is something you have considered – reach out to me, I’d love to help you!

 Another thought - we are incredibly hard on ourselves if we have a day, a week or even a month when we don’t follow our habits perfectly. We say: “I missed a workout, I missed two workouts. I haven’t slept well in a week. What is wrong with me? I just can’t form good habits.” And then we are right back where we started….bad habits galore and we feel life failures. “What’s the point of trying?” we say. Truth is that in the failing, we can start again fresh and learn what to do better next time to succeed.

We have to learn how to give ourselves a break and start again. This is where the coaching and community can be helpful. Both in terms of celebrating our wins, but also in helping us get back up. When we fail – we have to give ourselves GRACE and acceptance to get back up and start over. Without beating ourselves up! No good has ever come from that.

I’d also suggest not getting in the trap of creating the never-ending list of habits you will incorporate. It’s not sustainable. Identify 4 or so, like I did, and focus there! Once you’ve mastered one, maybe add another.

So, if you have messed up in this area – start again! Start again today! There is always a new opportunity in front of you. I’m here to help you on your journey.

Re-Establish Your Brand, Starting New Job-Day 1

Over the course of a career, particularly if you have worked in one company for many years, you will inevitably gain a reputation and a personal brand. In companies, large and small, folks come to know you for certain things. Perhaps it is your work ethic, your positive attitude, or your ability to motivate others.

In my twenties and early thirties, I developed a reputation as someone who would move mountains to execute big projects. If the deadline was crazy and unreasonable, the approach seemed to be “go ask Renee - she’ll figure it out”! I didn’t mind then because I had the time and energy, the accomplishment was exhilarating and I had a vision for what needed to happen and how to execute it.

There was one project where I was asked to put together “Roadshows” for each of the retail markets in the bank. Many markets –  it was not a small bank! I was given about 6 weeks to put together the content, the event details, and get all the presenters on the same page with the message (not an easy feat when you have everyone wanting their message front and center!) We also tried out some pretty new (at the time) technology for managing and broadcasting the event.

6 Weeks. What probably should have taken, if we were being reasonable, about 4-6 months.

It all went off without a hitch, we got great feedback, the retail market employees heard the strategy and messaging. I ended up getting recognized by our Retail Leadership and our CEO.

It was great.

Except for the fact that this was now the expectation for me (or I felt it was). It was my brand. I was remembered for the heroics when the heroics were not something I wanted to be known for. What I really wanted was to be known for helping the bank be more proactive so heroics were less the norm. (I searched for this my whole career, I think!)

I worked for that bank for about 6 more years after that project, always trying to shed my reputation and brand to something that fit better with who I evolved to be. Particularly, after having children and without the time freedom.

It wasn’t until I left the company altogether for another that I felt I could intentionally and deliberately re-establish my brand and reputation.

Here are the steps I took to do so. I share these regularly with my coaching clients when they find new opportunities:

1. Identify the parts of yourself that are your brand. Decide which ones are accidental and which ones are on purpose. Which do you want to carry forward? Which do you want to leave behind? Now is your chance to do so!

2. Be deliberate in communicating who you are to your new team members, colleagues and your manager. This includes what you stand for, what kind of leader you are, your boundaries, etc. Leave nothing to chance or assumptions.

3. Make decisions, even when it’s uncomfortable, that are fully consistent with this new, re-established brand. Be comfortable and confident with these choices, even if it ruffles feathers. If asked to deviate from your brand, be clear if it’s a preference thing or an integrity thing and move forward accordingly.

It is ok to evolve and grow in ways that are comfortable to you! Switching jobs or companies provides a unique opportunity to make this change in a seamless way that breaks free from the past ‘you’ that others have known.

What is that “past you” that no longer fits? What do you want to change?

I encourage you to make the change and to be deliberate about it. If you don’t choose how you are seen, then others will choose for you.